11 December 2015 – My week is never complete without reading the Financial Times column “Notebook”, written by Robert Shrimsley who is the Managing Editor of FT.com. Before that he served as the FT’s chief political correspondent and news editor. “Notebook” is a satirical look at the week’s news. Below, Robert’s take on Donald Trump … seeking to become the presidential candidate of the party of Lincoln .. and the great speeches and text from US history. As delivered by The Donald.
The Gettysburg Address
Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, upon this continent, a new nation, dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. But let me tell you. They were not all created equal. Some of them were created Muslim and others were created disabled going “wa, wa, wa”; and some of them weren’t even created men at all. They were created women with blood coming out of their noses. Though some of them, like my daughter, are really hot. I mean seriously, if she weren’t my daughter . . .
We are engaged in a great civil war, a war of culture, a war you are not hearing about from the mainstream media. And today we are met on a great battlefield of war to dedicate a portion of this prime real estate as a final resting place for those who died here, fighting so the nation may live.
These men who died here were heroes, though they were not my kind of heroes because they died fighting for a bunch of loser slaves, guys who will never know what it is like to have a hot wife and a billion dollars. Personally I would have cut those slave guys loose, most of them don’t even pay their taxes and I tell you we would not let one of them into my many casinos. You want to talk about hallowed ground, those boys would not get past the doorman — although I want to say that I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.
But anyway, I don’t want to talk about that although I know you guys in the media would love me to. You know those guys in the media, they can’t stand that I’m still here. It doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, beautiful piece of ass by your side. And talking of ass, I’m standing here freezing mine off — global warming, I tell you we could use some — on this hallowed ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed it even though they were sold out by our weak, cowardly, African president; a man not rich enough to be honest.
But I don’t want to get into that because I am not here to talk about Donald J Trump. I am here to talk about the honoured dead and the cause for which they here gave their last full measure of devotion. And I want to tell you that these dead losers shall not have died in vain, and that government of decent Americans, by decent Americans, for decent Americans (and you all know which decent Americans I am talking about here — no hablar español, amigo) shall not perish from the earth.
The Declaration of Independence
We hold these truths to be self-evident (because that way we don’t have to worry about proof although all the data has been verified by the highly respected Centre for Populist Histrionics) that all men are created equal. But look at me and look at you. Does it look like we are created equal? Do all men have Trump International hotels in Vegas and New York, or in foreign states like Panama and Hawaii? They are not even created equal in Mexico because they send us all the bad ones. But don’t worry because we are going to build a wall.
The Statue of Liberty
Spare me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
There’s no room left on our teeming shore,
So send these homeless, tempest-tost somewhere else,
We’ve put out the light on our golden door.
The Kennedy inaugural address
Let every person know, whether they wish us well or ill, that we will build any wall, proscribe any faith, bomb any opponent, abandon any friend and smear any foe to assure the survival of this campaign.
And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do to save your country by getting a great American into the White House.
Preamble to the US Constitution
Me the People . . .